My mother suddenly hates me

My mother hates me

Hello everybody!

I've been looking for a forum like this on the internet for a long time. In the end I decided on this one ..
Briefly to me: I am 19 years old and will be 20 at the beginning of September. I have a little brother and live with him and my mother. I have no contact with my father because he makes it seem as if he has very little left for me (especially since I started working and he doesn't have to pay anything). My everything is / or are my grandparents. Both are well over 70 and I really hope I'll have them with me for a very long time.
In 2004 I was in a clinic for about 3 1/2 months after a more or less unsuccessful suicide attempt. The time there was probably the best in my life. I got to know a lot of people, was finally loved and accepted.
My problem was many, many years ago. As long as I can remember, I was the "never wanted child", which I was more than felt. I've been through all of the typical. I flew from school, needed 3 attempts to get a great secondary school diploma. But when it finally worked, and I had done quite well, I thought for a short time that my life was going to be looking up again. I looked for a "small" job on my own and I still work there today. I am very popular with my colleagues and my boss. They even want to use me as a substitute for the boss. Since the beginning of the year I have also been doing a distance learning course to catch up on my secondary school diploma.

But reality soon caught up with me again. I got into business - because it was the only place I was loved. In the eyes of my mother, I am a failure in every way and also partly to blame that she cannot get her life under control. She is unemployed and only I can write applications for her. I pay her food, go shopping with her.
For a little appreciation, I'll give anything - even the last of my money. Again and again I bring her little things (like a tin of sweets from Sheepworld / Without Mama, everything is stupid) .. All those things. You are happy and then it is put in the drawer.
But that's always how it is. I remember a day when I was very little. About 6 years old. I was in kindergarten and Mother's Day was just around the corner. All the children made cakes for their mothers. They came and we sang for them. When I went home with my mother afterwards, she threw the cake untouched in the trash in front of my eyes. This memory is still deep in my bones today and I have to cry again and again when I think about it. That day changed my life because I realized I was just standing in the way. When I learned to read and write, I even wrote letters to you saying I was going to leave so she could be happy at last. My grandma intercepted these letters at some point and still keeps them in a box to this day.

There are always moments in my life when I strive for happiness. But I just can't do it. I do everything for my mother because I love her more than anything in the world. But still I know that I am only standing in her way and that I am now only a means to an end.
My little brother gets everything - whatever he is allowed to. He was tested for a learning disability in a clinic shortly after my rehab. The report came to us, of course. Back then, my mother gave it to me to read. The report said my brother said he was much better when his older sister was away. That broke my heart again. Before my rehab we had a great relationship. Although he is 6 years younger, he was always there for me and of course I was there for him.
Since then, nothing has worked between him and me. Only when I buy something for him will I be briefly seen as the big sister. Otherwise he insults me as a "freak, accident child, etc.". My mother thinks all of this is funny. Her only reaction: she laughs!
Nobody understands that it is wreaking havoc on me inside.

I do not know what to do. Unfortunately, I don't have enough money to get my own apartment and the office says every time that I earn too much to get support.
It's awful. I just know that if I have to stay here any longer, it will be my death. I can't take it much longer. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember.
What should I do? What?
I have no real friends, just acquaintances you can have a drink with. I only have my grandparents and me.
Only with them I can't talk about everything. That is clear..

Please help me! You're welcome!

16.08.2009 15:16 • #1