Why do I never feel good enough

How do I get rid of the feeling, "I'm not good enough"?

Do you know that the way you are, you feel that you are not good enough?

That you think that you are wrong in some way?

That you are very critical of yourself? Or do you not feel comfortable in your own skin and cannot stand by yourself?

If you answered yes to one or more questions, then you've come to the right place ...

It's best to hear for yourself. Have fun.

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I don't feel well enough and that prevents me from seeing so many in my life: in my job, in my relationship, ... Probably many feel the same way? Many live with the feeling that one is actually wrong. So that you criticize yourself harshly and probably not really feel comfortable in your own skin. So you don't really dare to show yourself and don't speak up, don't stand by who you are. And by and large, you are not self-confident, have no self-confidence and can then only accept and love yourself with difficulty. In the end, all of this is somehow connected.

What does shame have to do with the feeling of “I'm not good enough”?

A very big and intense feeling that is also related to this feeling of not feeling well enough is shame or the feeling of shame. Although the shame is closely related to the feeling of not being good enough, one can believe that this does not play a role in oneself, but this feeling is often so hidden and quite shy, if you will, that you don't to pack properly. Therefore it is not surprising if one is not consciously aware of it.

Perhaps you know that, whenever you try to show yourself somehow, to set yourself apart, to realize yourself, to express your opinion or to assert yourself ... In this moment the shame comes around the corner and says: “No, you better stop it be! You're not good enough and you're just making a fool of yourself! " So shame can have a huge inhibiting effect on us and our lives. It can make us stop, stop developing, so that we stay in our comfort zone, don't try anything new and somehow stop. So it is all the more important to take a closer look at this feeling.

Shame vs. guilt

At first glance, one might think that feelings of shame and guilt are very similar. If you take a closer look, there is, among other things, a very big, decisive difference.

Because unlike guilt, my sense of shame relates to myself as a person. When we feel guilty, it is more related to our behavior. That means I did something wrong. Maybe I can apologize for that or make amends. When it comes to shame, on the other hand, I am wrong as a person.

I am not good enough. As a person, I am not good enough and I am wrong. I am not valuable. So this feeling has a completely different impact and quality than the feeling of guilt. The latter is of course also difficult and stressful. But shame is much more intense.

There is a social need behind shame

On top of that there is a social feeling. This means that it can only spread when we know that we are in contact with others and have a certain need to belong. That is the basis for us to have a feeling of shame. Accordingly, it also has something to do with how others see and perceive us. The other's gaze plays a very important role, as the following easy-to-read statements show:

  • Lower your gaze
  • Want to sink into the ground
  • To be ashamed to death

That makes the intensity clear again. It attacks my existence. So it is of course very, very threatening and is related to fear, e.g. of isolation and the corresponding emotional pain.

Your shame also has something to do with how we imagine ourselves in an ideal state or as an ideal person. And thus also with our corresponding expectations of ourselves. The difficult thing is usually that we often have expectations of ourselves that we cannot meet at all. To make it even more difficult, these expectations of us may even compete with each other and are completely contradictory. This way you may achieve one of your expectations, but that means that you are far from another. When you can never live up to your own expectations like this, your shame emerges. These own expectations determine who we have to be, regardless of who we actually are. And that's what makes it so difficult and restrictive.

Shame as a straitjacket

Brene Brown, shame researcher, once described shame as a straitjacket that can constrict us in all possible areas of life: in the relationship with our parents, with our partner, during sports, at work, on the way to the supermarket, ... so also the smallest area of ​​life can be affected by this straitjacket of shame. This makes it even clearer what a stark impact your shame can have on you and your life. It is all the more important to get in touch with your shame and find a way to deal with it. So get out of that straitjacket.

How to tighten the straitjacket of shame

To stay with this picture. Before we look at how to get out of this jacket, let's first see what you can do to make the straitjacket even tighter.

If you want to let your shame grow, then you should definitely keep hiding what you are ashamed of. You should bury it deep inside you and hide it. If necessary, also lie for it. it must by no means come out. You have to make sure that it stays hidden and nobody gets to see it there. Best not to yourself either. That would be the first advice.

The second advice would be not to confide in anyone and to be silent about what you are ashamed of. So don't open up!

And the third would be to keep judging yourself for it and really get you down for it. Insult and punish you. In relation to others, in order to tighten their straitjacket of shame, the advice would be to condemn them.

These would be the 3 tips to make your shame grow. And really grow ... not just to keep it at the level it is at right now.

How to get rid of the shame and thus the feeling "I am not good enough"

Shame researcher, Brene Brown, makes it very clear that empathy is a very, very powerful antidote to shame. On the one hand to get in contact with yourself, but of course also to get in contact with others and get the feeling that you are good enough and valuable. In their opinion, it needs a counterpart for this. Someone who says: "I can do that too. I can understand that well.“It's something very, very, very effective. So that it shrinks shame.

Freud, too, had more or less recognized this. He said that love is the most effective means of overcoming feelings of shame. That goes in the direction of empathy. Our shame as a social feeling and thus as an expression of a social need needs a social response to it. That means, we have to put ourselves in the specific contact and open ourselves in order to dissolve our shame.

Before we can get such an answer, it probably takes courage and overcoming to show oneself at all. In this context, Brene Brown mentions the concept of vulnerability. Showing yourself vulnerable means taking an emotional risk and therefore requires courage.

At this point there is a trap that many fall into. When we decide to do just that, we often begin to wait for the right moment. The moment when you think is perfect, when you are perfectly prepared, when you are bulletproof, so to speak. And you are so convinced of it or put it down in your mind that this moment occurs at some point and you then do it. Then I'll get started! Then I will go into change! Then I'll show myself! Then I'll realize myself or whatever ...

Phew, averted the danger again.

The problem is that it doesn't happen. So that's really nice that the bastard and shame are singing this lyre to us. But honestly, that's not how it works. It takes the less than perfect moment to get into shame and thus reduce it.

It takes courage. Courage to make mistakes. Courage to show yourself emotionally vulnerable. This is the way out of shame. In the end, it's about doing. It's about opening up and confiding in others with your shame.

Examine your shame

What you can still do in order to deal with your shame and also with the feeling “I'm not good enough” is to explore, examine and get to know your shame.

Of course, in order to understand how your shame affects your life at all, you first have to know how shame actually feels? How can I even know that shame is there right now? How do I react to shame. So this whole range of

How do I even notice my shame?

How do I react to that?

How does that actually affect my life?

Summary

By and large, it's not about fighting shame, but actually finding a way to deal with it. And thus also with the feeling that I am not good enough because the two are closely linked.

It's about being able to recognize the signs of shame shock so that you can get out of them better. And it may not be quite as violent and throw you completely off track.

It's about not being so constrained by your shame. The way out consists on the one hand of taking courage and trusting others. You can also explore your shame and get to the bottom.

In addition, even if it hasn't surfaced before, it is definite to treat yourself with compassion. And to practice this too. So that you get out of your own judgment and judgment. This is also very, very effective.

So go out there, tell your story and free yourself from your shame.

I hope we were able to help and inspire you with this post. If you know someone who this post can help, please recommend and share it.

If you have any remarks, comments or questions, feel free to write to us.