The grief of separation is inevitable

Separation Inevitable - Will I Accept It?

Hello dear forum members,

I'm new here and want to prepare for a painful step that I'm afraid of.

I have extremely low self-esteem, have never achieved anything on my own in my life. Even with the simplest decisions, I seek the consent of others as to whether that was really okay. When I was 48, I was alone in a cafà © for the very first time in my life. I am addicted to harmony, after a disagreement I prefer to act as if nothing had happened. I immediately take all the blame for everything etc.

I have been married for 23 years and my wife is a normal personality. Not dominant, far from wanting to rule everything in our marriage. Out of necessity, she makes most of our decisions. She has always encouraged me to stand up for my needs. Unfortunately, the only result is that I don't even know what I want.

Outwardly, I appear as a Superman who can do everything and who succeeds in everything. With friends, in the club - I am popular as an opinion leader everywhere. Nobody knows this is just a pretend facade.

That's just my background. A pattern has occurred for several years: over longer periods of time, marital disputes become more and more violent. The trigger is always that I acknowledge my wife's offer of help with an emotional kick.
Example: I'm having trouble at work, keep that to myself. She senses I'm in trouble and gives me clearer clues. I block and say with confidence that I have everything under control. Which is not true, I am on the verge of a professional crash. Only when it can no longer be denied will I admit everything. Until then, I lied to her for 2 weeks.

She said two years ago that she couldn't take it anymore. It opens and I step after it. I then started therapy with limited success. At first I had extreme problems telling the therapist everything. Then I only trusted her as much as I thought was right. I also played something for her.

The same pattern every time I was exposed: I repented, pleading that I was changing. "That was the last time, I get it now." And all over again. I hadn't understood anything.

Now I had another breakdown, first marginalizing her and hiding my problems, then for the first time ever lied consciously and clearly. Before, it was always like that, when I realized how long I had been pretending that I had everything under control, I myself was blown away. And that after she thought we'd made it, that I was in control of my life. It was just fake.

Last time she gave me an ultimatum. If I am dishonest again or hurt her, she's gone.

Since then I have read a lot, testimonials on the Internet, also here in the forum. And books from the local public library. And found terrifying reports of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Matching my behavior scares me. I am amazed that I’m only reading about it now. And that the therapist did not examine it at the time. It is said that the disorder is incurable
I'll go to the doctor on Monday and have a referral to a psychiatrist so I can get the right help this time. I want to get rid of my grief here first, because I am afraid that I will react like the many cases from the experience reports here when the obvious occurs and my wife wants to separate.

I want that from now on it is no longer about me, but about the salvation of my wife's soul. I am afraid that I will not be able to accept their wish to break up and that I will break down and make a scene.

My sons (early 20s) told me very sympathetically: They have not yet suffered any harm from me. And they can cope with a breakup, I won't lose them because of it. But if I cling to the unhappy relationship or let the breakup degenerate into a war of roses, they'll be damaged. If I care about them, I should make the right decision. That helps me hope I can do it.

How do I get the strength to get through this?

01.07.2017 20:16 • #1